School is not for everyone…

In the early hours of yesterday morning, the matric results were released. The midnight release and the hype of anxiously waiting until pumpkin hour for that significant SMS, only added to the build-up. Unless of course you have my son, who didn’t register to receive the SMS. And then lost his exam number so couldn’t check online. Then the build-up has even more drama. And a few more grey hairs. And a knot in mom’s stomach.

But an hour or so after everyone had them, we managed to get his results. And he passed.

His name won’t be in the paper with the top distinction earners, but he passed well. It is the end of an era for me, and I honestly couldn’t be more relieved. No more than him though.

Somewhere around Grade 5 I realised that my primary goal for his school career was to get him through school with his self-esteem intact. His results were never my biggest concern. His ‘self’ was.

He is ridiculously intelligent, loves learning, has to understand how things work and why things exist. His love of knowledge is borderline obsessive because he cannot NOT know what, why or how something is the way it is. I used to check his phone and search history, as an apprehensive modern-day parent does, and I’d only find things like “How do beavers build their rafts?”, or “what is quantum physics?” and “how does the Coronavirus spread?” He would make a formidable contestant in Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and if I ever get on that show, he is absolutely going to be my phone a friend!

Despite his high IQ and obvious intelligence, he just never fit the school mould. He doesn’t test well and ‘on paper’ he looks nothing like the bright human he is. School was just never for him. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we learnt that very early on. His school career has been an endless stream of teacher meetings, emails, calls, overdue papers, missed deadlines, extra lessons, educational psychologists, occupational therapists, tears – for him and me – disappointments and frustration.

It is the frustration that is a killer – and for him it was very frustrating. He knows he is bright, but year upon year of mediocre and sometimes below average test and exam results takes its toll on one’s self-confidence and self-belief. We had our concerns, very real scary concerns at times, but our primary goal was always “just get him through school with his self-esteem intact”.

With the results out today, the media is filled with accolades and stories of amazing achievements. But I want to give a shout out to the kids who never shined like diamonds in school. To the kids who just didn’t fit the mould. To the kids who struggled and no matter how hard they tried, their academic results just never reflected the blood, sweat and tears that went into their schooling. To the kids who aren’t being celebrated in the media.

I want to give a shout out to the parents who had sleepless nights with worry, who forked out exorbitant amounts of money for extra lessons and tutors and therapies. And probably wine.

There is a light at the end of the school tunnel. If you are still in the thick of it, just breathe through it. The world is changing, and the measure of success is different. Education is no longer linear and straightforward. There are so many different types of intelligence, and just because the schooling your child is getting may not work for them, don’t give up on them.

Einstein couldn’t speak properly until he was 9. Abraham Lincoln had numerous failed businesses and a complete nervous breakdown before he became president, after his second run at it. Steven Spielberg had appalling marks at school and was rejected from a Californian university three times. Walt Disney dropped out of school in a failed attempt to join the army, and was later fired from a newspaper for not being creative enough.

Failure is not an ending. It is part of a journey to success. Don’t worry if they have failed. Worry more if they are content to stop at their failure. Worry more if the voices around them and more importantly the one in their head says, “you have failed”. Failure isn’t finite. And schooling isn’t the be all and end all.

I am writing this today, not as a coach, youth counsellor, education consultant or in any professional capacity, but as a parent. A parent who has stressed and cried and worried a lot for 12 years. A parent whose heart broke on many occasions when that crestfallen look swept over his little, and then not so little, face. A parent who wanted to shake her fists at the teachers who didn’t get him and contributed to his insecurities. A parent who is so immeasurably grateful to the teachers and partners in his journey who did get him and believed in him and never gave up on him. A parent who knew his “I don’t care about marks” and “I don’t need a reward or trophy to tell me I can do xyz subject” remarks were bravado; self-preservation tactics. A parent who often felt helpless and had to furiously fight the urge to hold his hand every day and go with him to school to make sure he was ok. To make sure the teachers understood him. To make sure he understood things. To make sure he focused. To make sure he had friends.

I am writing this today as a parent who has reached the light at the end of that very long, very emotional tunnel. I made mistakes. Often. I didn’t always handle situations the way I wish I had. I didn’t always have the patience I required. I didn’t always know what to do. How to help. How to protect without making him weak. How to encourage independence without leaving him alone. I didn’t always know when was too much and when was too little.

But I am also writing as the parent who always, regardless of the mistakes or overreactions or unwarranted tears, always, wanted him to come out of this system whole. Confident. Himself.

I am writing this today to say that he is still standing. I am still standing. We are still standing! He still has his amazing inquisitiveness, his sharp sense of humour, his high EQ and his “him-ness”. We may both have been a little battered and bruised at times, but folks, he made it. We made it!

So today, as the results dominate headline news, I want to say to all those who had a bumpy ride, and those whose bumpy rides are still ongoing, don’t sweat the small stuff. School doesn’t determine your entire future. But confidence and self-esteem will. Pick your battles, protect their self-esteem, and your sanity, and just let them flourish within themselves.

They all get there someday.