• School is not for everyone…

    School is not for everyone…

    In the early hours of yesterday morning, the matric results were released. The midnight release and the hype of anxiously waiting until pumpkin hour for that significant SMS, only added to the build-up. Unless of course you have my son, who didn’t register to receive the SMS. And then lost his exam number so couldn’t check online. Then the build-up has even more drama. And a few more grey hairs. And a knot in mom’s stomach.

    But an hour or so after everyone had them, we managed to get his results. And he passed.

    His name won’t be in the paper with the top distinction earners, but he passed well. It is the end of an era for me, and I honestly couldn’t be more relieved. No more than him though.

    Somewhere around Grade 5 I realised that my primary goal for his school career was to get him through school with his self-esteem intact. His results were never my biggest concern. His ‘self’ was.

    He is ridiculously intelligent, loves learning, has to understand how things work and why things exist. His love of knowledge is borderline obsessive because he cannot NOT know what, why or how something is the way it is. I used to check his phone and search history, as an apprehensive modern-day parent does, and I’d only find things like “How do beavers build their rafts?”, or “what is quantum physics?” and “how does the Coronavirus spread?” He would make a formidable contestant in Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and if I ever get on that show, he is absolutely going to be my phone a friend!

    Despite his high IQ and obvious intelligence, he just never fit the school mould. He doesn’t test well and ‘on paper’ he looks nothing like the bright human he is. School was just never for him. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we learnt that very early on. His school career has been an endless stream of teacher meetings, emails, calls, overdue papers, missed deadlines, extra lessons, educational psychologists, occupational therapists, tears – for him and me – disappointments and frustration. 

    It is the frustration that is a killer – and for him it was very frustrating. He knows he is bright, but year upon year of mediocre and sometimes below average test and exam results takes its toll on one’s self-confidence and self-belief. We had our concerns, very real scary concerns at times, but our primary goal was always “just get him through school with his self-esteem intact”. 

    With the results out today, the media is filled with accolades and stories of amazing achievements. But I want to give a shout out to the kids who never shined like diamonds in school. To the kids who just didn’t fit the mould. To the kids who struggled and no matter how hard they tried, their academic results just never reflected the blood, sweat and tears that went into their schooling. To the kids who aren’t being celebrated in the media.

    I want to give a shout out to the parents who had sleepless nights with worry, who forked out exorbitant amounts of money for extra lessons and tutors and therapies. And probably wine.

    There is a light at the end of the school tunnel. If you are still in the thick of it, just breathe through it. The world is changing, and the measure of success is different. Education is no longer linear and straightforward. There are so many different types of intelligence, and just because the schooling your child is getting may not work for them, don’t give up on them.

    Einstein couldn’t speak properly until he was 9. Abraham Lincoln had numerous failed businesses and a complete nervous breakdown before he became president, after his second run at it. Steven Spielberg had appalling marks at school and was rejected from a Californian university three times. Walt Disney dropped out of school in a failed attempt to join the army, and was later fired from a newspaper for not being creative enough.

    Failure is not an ending. It is part of a journey to success. Don’t worry if they have failed. Worry more if they are content to stop at their failure. Worry more if the voices around them and more importantly the one in their head says, “you have failed”. Failure isn’t finite. And schooling isn’t the be all and end all.

    I am writing this today, not as a coach, youth counsellor, education consultant or in any professional capacity, but as a parent. A parent who has stressed and cried and worried a lot for 12 years. A parent whose heart broke on many occasions when that crestfallen look swept over his little, and then not so little, face. A parent who wanted to shake her fists at the teachers who didn’t get him and contributed to his insecurities. A parent who is so immeasurably grateful to the teachers and partners in his journey who did get him and believed in him and never gave up on him. A parent who knew his “I don’t care about marks” and “I don’t need a reward or trophy to tell me I can do xyz subject” remarks were bravado; self-preservation tactics. A parent who often felt helpless and had to furiously fight the urge to hold his hand every day and go with him to school to make sure he was ok.  To make sure the teachers understood him. To make sure he understood things. To make sure he focused. To make sure he had friends.

    I am writing this today as a parent who has reached the light at the end of that very long, very emotional tunnel. I made mistakes. Often. I didn’t always handle situations the way I wish I had. I didn’t always have the patience I required. I didn’t always know what to do. How to help. How to protect without making him weak. How to encourage independence without leaving him alone. I didn’t always know when was too much and when was too little.

    But I am also writing as the parent who always, regardless of the mistakes or overreactions or unwarranted tears, always, wanted him to come out of this system whole. Confident. Himself.

    I am writing this today to say that he is still standing. I am still standing. We are still standing! He still has his amazing inquisitiveness, his sharp sense of humour, his high EQ and his “him-ness”. We may both have been a little battered and bruised at times, but folks, he made it. We made it!

    So today, as the results dominate headline news, I want to say to all those who had a bumpy ride, and those whose bumpy rides are still ongoing, don’t sweat the small stuff. School doesn’t determine your entire future. But confidence and self-esteem will. Pick your battles, protect their self-esteem, and your sanity, and just let them flourish within themselves.

    They all get there someday.

  • I would die for you, but you can’t have my last chocolate

    I would die for you, but you can’t have my last chocolate

    Every parent has that momma bear instinct. Especially moms. That feeling that kicks in when someone threatens your child. When that snot-nosed little brat on the playground pushes your child to the ground and they come to you in tears, or when the coach doesn’t choose them for the A Team, or when a stranger bumps into them in the supermarket and then gives them that filthy look as if they were the one at fault€¦you know the feeling. And it’s perfectly ok.

    But what about when they want your dinner? Or that last piece of chocolate you have been saving for a quiet moment when you can sit down with a magazine and a cup of coffee and really savour some me time? Does your momma bear instinct kick in then too and you give it up for your precious cub?

    I should hope not.

    I am finding more and more moms today who are feeling lost. Who are depressed and feel invisible. It’s a problem, and one that is getting more serious daily. But I believe I know the answer. Momma Bear Syndrome.

    Momma Bear Syndrome is a double edged sword. While it is a very normal and necessary instinct, I think people are not using it appropriately. Moms, listen carefully. When you need to protect your child, in a way that they are unable to, then by all means give in to that drive. But if it is not a case of defending your cub, then do not. You need boundaries. You need me time. You need to be able to enjoy your dinner without them feeling they can raid it at will and you will just get by on the leftovers.

    Let’s think about this for a minute. What message are you conveying if you are allowing them to take what is rightfully yours. You are telling them that they come first in your life. And ultimately that one day they should allow their own child to rule the roost. Let’s project that a little further, and what is the result? Entitlement. Children today have an inflated sense of entitlement. They believe you owe them €“ pocket money, iPads, your dinner, your last piece of chocolate, your time to the detriment of your own sanity.

    Stop it. Hold on to your dinner. Your personal space. Your me time. Your sanity. Children need boundaries. They need to know that while you love them unconditionally, you are still allowed to be you. You do not, upon becoming a mother, suddenly lose all rights to being you.

    Momma Bear Syndrome is killing momma’s spirit. Moms are lost, feeling invisible, frustrated. Just the other day I coached a mom who said she doesn’t know who she is anymore, other than mommy. And the worst part is when you feel like that, you resent being mommy, and then feel like a bad mommy to boot.

    I firmly believe this is why. So stop it. Hang on to your selves. Keep interests or hobbies or work and time for yourself.  Do not feel guilty about looking after yourself, or having boundaries. You may go to the loo without a child on your lap. You may eat what is on your plate without feeling you have to share it. You may enjoy that last piece of chocolate in peace.

    It’s time to reclaim your self. Guilt-free. It’s time to realise that unless you allow them to stand on their own two feet, you are robbing your child of the ability to become an independent, accountable adult in society. You are also modelling to them that they are not allowed to ever fulfill their own needs, and ultimately, we will have a generation of lost and resentful souls. They will only understand instant gratification, they will believe the world owes them whatever they want whenever they want, and they will have no respect for others.

    Momma Bear, it’s time to draw that line in the sand. Your job is not to pander to their every desire. Your job is to empower them to stand on their own two feet, and to teach them to respect others, starting with their parents.

    Momma Bear unless you are looking after yourself, you are useless to your family. You will become lost. You will become resentful. You will become depressed. And then, when that terrifying wolf comes to attack your cub, you may not have enough energy to defend them when it counts. Or you may just be tempted to let them be eaten.

  • Nothing to Look Forward To…

    One of the saddest conversations I had was with a friend from school when I was 19. We hadn’t 

    growing up too fast

    seen each other for about a year, then we happened to bump into each other at a night club. We grabbed the nearest, quietest table, and sat down to have a good old catch up!

    She laughed and laughed. And teased me. But then she went very quiet and said Wow. You know what, I am actually so jealous Nat. I had sex for the first time when I was 14. I have been everywhere, done everything. I am 18 and I have nothing left to look forward to. You still have your whole life ahead of you. For me, life is boring. As the conversation progressed, we covered all bases, what have you been up to? What are you studying? Do you have a job? How is the love life? How are your folks? How is the sex life? EEK! Sex life? With bright red, ashamed cheeks, I admitted that I had nothing to contribute on that point. She was horrified. 19 and still a virgin!? Seriously??

    GULP! I was horrified.

    Here I was, on the cusp of life, so very much to look forward to and loving everything. And she was bored. It made me so sad. But it also made such an impact on me that I realised I was never going to allow my kids to feel that way. I would make sure they had loads to look forward to when they got out of school. And in that instant, I was so very grateful to my parents for being strict. I was never allowed anything just because my friends had it or were doing it. It drove me stark raving mad at times, and I really did get furious with them at times (as my teenage diaries so explicitly articulate!) , and I could never understand, and it was just SOOOO unfair. But that night, with the greatest clarity, I was suddenly one very grateful virgin girl.

    This afternoon, as I sit here at my desk, I have a very sullen looking teenage son who is mad at me right now too. He slept at a friend’s last night why it’s called a sleepover when they were up until 3am I am not sure? and then phoned me to beg to stay another night. Our rule is only one sleepover at a time no doubles and he knows that, but It’s school weekend mom and you let Danny that one time and …. I can sleep in and and and But the answer was still no.

    Does he not know that saying yes would be a hell of a lot easier?? Man I want to say yes. I want to be a cool mom, like my friend’s mom was. I want to be the fun mom, that hangs out with the kids, like my friend’s mom was.  I want to say yes to everything they want. But I cant.

    So my kids have annoying rules – rules that are just as annoying to us to have to implement. They are not allowed any screens in the week. They are not allowed more than one sleepover a weekend. They are not allowed a cell phone until they are 13. They are not allowed to drink Coke until they are 13, and even then not at night. They are not allowed so many things that ALL THEIR FRIENDS (apparently) are allowed. But you know what, I am ok with that. They have lots to look forward to.

    It sucks to say no. It really does. Especially in front of their friends. Or worse, their friends parents. It’s awkward, and humiliating – for me at times too, because I can just see the other parents rolling their eyes at me – but one day, they will be allowed Coke, and TV whenever, and to sleep over as many nights in a row as they want. One day they will be allowed to play games that are rated above their ages now. One day they will be thankful that I was THAT mother.

    Am I afraid that they will they go off the rails when they are allowed to do things, possibly. But didn’t we all in some way? Isn’t that what freedom is about? But ultimately (and research proves this), they will come back to the value system you have instilled in them, and they will learn their lessons. They will then make their own choices and become adults with their own minds, ideas and values. But if you watch closely, those values will be there, somewhere.

    Don’t bow to the pressure. You are their ambassadors. You are their guides. You are responsible for being their parents. And sometimes it really does suck to say no, but if you can look down the road a little, it will be so very worth it to stick to those non-negotiables, and know that when the timing is right, they will be able to have those things. And enjoy them. I promise.