---

What you overprotect you make weak…

---

A mom in our school was complaining today that her sweet child has two tests this week, and she feels that that is too much for her precious baby girl. That ‘baby’ is in grade five. And eleven years old.

I know of another mom with a high school child who still makes the bed for that child… Every day.

Then there’s that mom who demanded to know why her precious bundle… 13yr old bundle… did not get the lead in the school play.

What is happening to parents these days? In our efforts to raise competent, responsible children, we are doing exactly the opposite.

What we overprotect, we make weak.

We cannot pave the path for our children, folks. That is not our job. Our job is to prepare our children for that bumpy road called Life. We need to equip them with all the abilities we can possibly think of, for them to have the skills and confidence to manage whatever crosses their path on their journey. And it is their journey, folks, we cannot take that journey for them. And we are doing them a disservice by trying to pave a smooth, golden, lily lined, rainbow road for them. Life is not smooth. It is as bumpy as a dirt road after a massive rain storm in a deep dark third world country. And our children need to be able to handle that.

You need to start picturing the adult you want to raise. And work backwards from there. You also need to model the kind of adult you want them to be. That is how they learn most of their behaviour – not through your instructions, but through your example.

If you want a capable, responsible child, you need to put responsibility on their shoulders. Make them responsible for everything they should be responsible for – packing their own bags, making their own beds, packing their own lunches, remembering their own sports kits. A child who always forgets, has a parent who always remembers. Stop that, or you will be remembering for them until they are adults. And then they will need a PA or spouse to take on that role for them because you will have not taught them that life lesson.

If you want them to feel good about themselves, give them opportunities to feel pride in themselves and their own achievements. Let them learn to tie their own shoelaces, and make their own sandwiches, and dress themselves. They can pack and unpack their own bags for holidays. They can speak to their own teachers about issues they have. They can have success without you putting up your hand for them. And they can handle failures without you trying to make those failures disappear. And when they do succeed, it will give them such a boost in their self-esteem that they will believe in themselves and their abilities, because they have had opportunities to prove themselves to themselves. We are usually our own biggest critics, so why not gift them the ability to have self-belief.

There are so many things we do for them that they could be doing for themselves. Stop that. Stop robbing them of the opportunity to grow. To believe. To be confident.

It is not our job to make our children happy – it is our job to teach them to make themselves happy. Do that. You will have an amazingly confident and happy child one day. And your life will be so much easier. And your child will be an adult who can stand on his/her own two feet, confidently and capably.

Then you will have done your parenting job commendably.

---

Kids will forgive you…

---

Today I had a long chat with a single dad, and he inspired me. He is about the most together, wise father I have ever had the privilege of talking to. His kids are almost grown now, but his approach to parenting really inspired me to write this article.
He just gets it! He gets it in a way I wish so many of the parents who come to me for help would get it.

We were chatting about parental responsibilities, and it was so enlightening to me when he said that kids just need the basics – like love and acceptance – and anything other than that they can forgive. Kids are willing to forgive. That was the lightbulb moment for me!

He is so right. Kids are so willing to forgive. They will forgive and (mostly) forget, if you can just apologise, say you messed up, and then assure them of your love again. We also don’t always apologise. Not many of us think we need to apologise to a child. But we do. And we will be forgiven. And we will be closer. And we are modelling a valuable trait. It’s definitely a lesson we can all learn. Adults aren’t that good at forgiving. We hold grudges. We hold onto hurt and anger. We stay annoyed and injured, and all that does is hinder our own healing.
Not so for a child. A child is so different. You can give a magic kiss… or a big momma bear hug… or take them to a park and play with them… or simply spend some quality time with them, and it’s all better. It’s totally forgiven. Just like that. They don’t harp on it, or revisit it. It’s done and over. They won’t bring it up again in a few weeks when something else happens … they just totally let it go.

Amazing. And so simple. And they are better off for it.

So stop stressing about whether you are doing it perfectly. None of us are. Most of us grow into parenthood as our children grow. Most of us are, to be honest, totally winging it most the time. My brother and his wife just had a baby, and each time I speak to them they are trying something new to get her to sleep… trying to discover that magic formula that works. But we all know that the magic formula may work one day… but then totally fail the next.

It’s a process of trial and error. Forever.

But there are certain fail safe constants… such as unconditional love and acceptance. Being honest and humble. Listening to hear, not just to appease. Being present. Allowing them to become the best little self they can become by bringing out the best in them, rather than trying to mould them into the person you believe they should be, or worse, the person you want them to be. And of course, completely loving whoever that person ultimately is.

In the minefield that is parenting, those are the constants. And if you get those right, they will forgive you for anything. They want to. They are willing forgivers. Don’t forget that.

---

Bravo to the Unrecognised

---

As the end of year approaches, and Facebook is flooded with pictures of children holding trophies and certificates, I want to acknowledge the parents of the children who are not the ones being recognised. In a system that measure success by A’s and first team appointments, number of goals scored, provincial colours, and scrolls on blazers, please remember that there are unrecognised achievements that bring an equal, if not greater sense of pride, and I want to acknowledge those.

So this is a shout out to the kids who struggled every day to get to where they got to by the end of their year.

To the girl who dug deep each day to find the courage to get up and face a school where she was bullied, or surrounded by peers who found her weird and teased her, but managed to get there every day, congratulations to you!

To the boy who, no matter how many extra lessons, how many hours of perseverance, or how many E’s on their test papers, managed to achieve a hard-earned C and was super thrilled with that, bravo.

To the teen who is struggling with body image, but put on a brave face every day and smiled through the uncertainty, you’re amazing.

To the artist who creates amazing work, yet crashes and burns on their maths exams – you have talent that can’t be measured by a standard test and we are in awe.

To the musical prodigy who can’t learn and recall when the war started, who was president when, and what the capital of Nepal is, your musical ability makes our hearts sing.

To the ADD student whose brain functions so fast that writing a coherent essay is just not your thing, you will change the world and we are grateful for minds like yours.

To the linguist who can master language and pronunciation, can speak in many languages, but can’t spell to save his life – you have a gift and will find your place in the world.

To the child who can never go to a sleep over because they are afraid of wetting their bed and ashamed their peers may discover their secret, it will end, your time will come and you are brave.

To the dancer whose body understands music and seems to take on a life of its own, but takes forever to read and needs extra time for tests, you are mesmerising.

To the child who has to bravely get up and go to a separate venue to write tests, while everyone else sits in the same room, but does so with your head held high, we salute your courage.

To the child who did not pass the year, and has to valiantly watch your peers go up a grade while you face the embarrassment of having to stay back a year – you will be fine and you will thrive.

To the child who freezes and feels physically ill when forced to stand up and speak in front of the class, yet has the most amazing empathy, you will always be loved because people feel better for having you in their world.

To all of you who face challenges that mean you will probably never be recognised by traditional measures, remember to hold yourself to a different standard. Remember that the talents you do have, are unique and amazing, and you should feel proud with or without a certificate or award. Remember that school is possibly not where you will shine, but shine you can.

Remember that these tests and exams will measure you on one level, but that they cannot tell us everything about you.

And to their parents, as you sit there and maybe feel a little sadness or envy that it is never your child on stage, celebrate their uniqueness. No one has ever asked me in ‘real life’ if I got a certificate for diligence, or a scroll for academics, or where I placed in the grade.

No one has ever said, “When I grow up I want to be the kid who had the most certificates and awards when I was at school.” And no one, ever, has been remembered for a piece of paper that tells us how amazing they are. In the real world, we are measured by different standards, and all of us can succeed in our own ways.

So whatever your child achieves, celebrate them, but more than that, teach them to celebrate themselves by their own standards. If they are the dux scholar, let them be proud of their own work ethic, not the certificate. If they do win sportsman/ woman of the year, ensure they are proud that they did their best, not that they beat everyone else. If they scraped through when no one was sure that they would, be sure that they see that as the accomplishment it is because of the work they put in.

The world can be judgemental enough without feeling like they aren’t good enough because they are holding themselves up to ‘traditional’ measures. Instil in them a sense of intrinsic self-worth and motivation, and it won’t matter if they stand on that stage or not, get a medal or scroll or an honours blazer or not, because they will always be honest with themselves about their own efforts and successes, and their sense of value will come from within.

Congratulations.  All of you.